Fullmetal Parodies
by VorticalFiveStudios
Summary: The cast of Fullmetal Alchemist stars in various parodies! Chapter 1: Fourth of July PSA. Ed and Al have been called upon by Roy Mustang to explain the dangers of fireworks to the people of Amestris. However, neither knew that they would be used as test subjects for the demonstrations. Based on scenes from Red vs Blue!
1. Chapter 1

**Fullmetal Parodies Chapter 1- Fourth of July PSA**

_Disclaimer- The following is a non-profit fanfiction. I do not own anything._

The scene starts as the camera zooms in on a man wearing a blue military uniform, and a teen with a red coat. The man in blue smiles and says, "Hi. My name is Roy Mustang from the popular anime, Fullmetal Alchemist."

"And I'm Edward Elric from the same show," Ed says. "Today, we're here to talk about-"

"I'm here! I'm here!" a voice yelled from offstage. Suddenly, a suit of armor ran up beside them. "Sorry I'm late!"

A look of irritation was seen on Roy's face. "Alphonse, what the hell!?"

"Huh?"

"You were supposed to be painted white so we would be red, white, and blue! This isn't very patriotic!"

"That reminds me," Ed said. "Why are we doing this again?"

"What do you mean by that?"

"Well, we're not in America for starters. We're in Amestris. We don't even have Independence Day here."

"...Shut up. You're doing this or you're not getting paid."

"We're not getting paid either way," Al chimed in.

"You're not helping! Read your lines for once, and don't screw up! Now where was I? Oh yeah. Hi. My name is Roy Mustang. And these two boys are the Elric brothers, Edward and Alphonse Elric."

"Wait a second. Why do you get to introduce yourself, but we can't introduce ourselves?"

"Not cool, Mustang. Not cool at all."

"STICK TO THE SCRIPT OR I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL MAKE BOTH OF YOU DISINTEGRATE! Now as I was saying a very popular holiday is coming up soon. It's called the Fourth of July, or as it's more commonly known as, Independence Day."

"Most of you will probably take this opportunity to enjoy your wiener," Ed said.

"I wish I could!" Al shouted.

"But the real reason we celebrate the Fourth of July isn't for the food or the fun or even the picnics and nonstop binge drinking."

"What?"

"Theres only one true reason we celebrate this very important day. It's to have a lot of explosions."

"Hooray! Fireworks day!"

"Kick ass! I've still got three fingers left from last year!"

"So, in preparation for the big day, we have assembled a short list of safety tips to hopefully make your holiday explosions both safe and enjoyable for your whole family. Lets watch as Ed and Al demonstrate some common mistakes to avoid, when handling fireworks."

"This will most likely end up physically and mentally damaging me beyond repair isn't it?"

_Safety Tip #1: Never play with fireworks indoors_

"Hey there brother!" Al said to his brother. "Check out this awesome sparkler! It is even more fun, because we are playing with it, inside!"

"Wait, that's not a sparkler! That's a grenade!"

"Don't worry. We are completely safe. All of the doors are locked from the outside, so we cannot escape! Oh wait a minute..."

**KABOOM!**

_Safety Tip #2: Never play with fireworks near an open flame_

"Hey there brother!" Al said as he stood in front of grill, wearing an apron that said '_KISS THE COOK_'. "How do you like your meat? Well done, or pink and juicy?"

"I'll take that fuzzy glowing hamburger please."

"Hey, that's not a hamburger! That's a grenade!"

"I know! I switched them when you weren't looking! Maybe I shouldn't have done that..."

**KABOOM!**

_Safety Tip #3: Never put fireworks in your pants_

"Hey there brother! Have you seen my grenade?"

"Yes! I put it in my pants! Wait..."

**KABOOM!**

_Safety Tip #4: Never aim fireworks at your friends_

"Hey there brother! Whats that you have in your hands!?" Al shouts from a distance.

"Its my new flare gun! Wanna try it out!?"

"Totally! Just don't point it directly at me when firing it!"

"Ok! And I promise I won't forget whatever it is you just said!" Everything is silent... And then Ed accidentally fires the gun when it's pointed at his younger brother. "Sorry! I forgot what you said!"

**KABOOM!**

"Ok!" Roy said. "And end scene! Now I hope you all learned a lot about fireworks, and maybe even a little bit about yourself."

Behind him, Ed and Al accidentally activate a grenade. "Oh crap!" Ed said.

"This is bad!" Al said.

"Running time!" Ed drops the grenade next to Mustang, and the two brothers run away.

"Oh yeah! I almost forgot to mention the most important safety tip! If you have children, or even very stupid adults around, never ever let them play with fireworks, without proper supervision." After that, he finally hears the hissing sound of the grenade next to him. "Hey, whats that noise?"

**KABOOM!**

"ELRIC!"

"Envy did it!"

"What are you talking about!?" Envy called from offstage. "I wasn't even in this chapter!"

"Happy fireworks day everybody!"


	2. Chapter 2

**Fullmetal Parodies Chapter 2- Burn, Baby, Burn!**

_Disclaimer- The following is a non-profit fanfiction. I do not own anything._

_Warning- Don't take anything said in this fanfic seriously._

Once again, the camera zooms in on two people. One was a man in a blue military uniform, and the other was a teenager in a red coat. "Why hello," the man in blue said. "I'm Roy Mustang from the popular anime, Fullmetal Alchemist."

"And I'm Edward Elric from the same show. Recently, the fireworks we set off started a huge fire that almost burned down all of Central City."

"It was a pretty big problem."

"So, we here at Central Command, and the judge, thought it would be a valuable service to the community if we made a PSA describing what we learned from the event. Oh yeah, and we somehow got a few of the homunculi to help us."

"So today, we'll be presenting Fullmetal Alchemist's fire safety tips. Guest starring Envy and Gluttony."

"Some of you might be asking yourself 'What is fire?' If you truly are asking that, it's because you're a moron. You're probably asking other things like 'What am the sky?' Or 'How does eat food?' Even cavemen knew what fire was, dumb ass."

"And sure, you might know what fire is, but can you tell if something you own is on fire? You should look for the following signs. One is smoke, two is heat, and three is fire. Things that are on fire usually have fire on them. It's a dead give away."

"So exactly what do you do if you are actually caught in a fire? We've assemble a quick list of instructions for you to remember in case you ever find yourself in a raging inferno."

"Step one... Panic. Any modern scientist will tell you that fire requires an oxygen environment in order to burn. And the same scientist will tell you that the human body expels carbon dioxide with every breath. So screaming and panicking will take away a flame's vital nutrients, which in turn, puts it out."

"This tactic will vary depending on the size of the fire. A very small fire will only require a minor amount of panic."

_SCENARIO 1_

Gluttony looked at the fire and said, "I am somewhat concerned that we will run out of waffles soon." And the flames went out.

_SUCCESS!_

"A medium-sized fire will require a moderate level of panic."

_SCENARIO 2_

Gluttony looked at the slightly larger fire in front of him. "Did you hear that the swine flu is in Australia now? That can't be good." And the flames went out.

_SUCCESS!_

"And for a really large fire..."

_SCENARIO 3_

"I JUST WATCHED THE CABLE NEWS CHANNEL!" Gluttony screamed as he ran around, his whole body covered in flames. "EVERYTHING IS TERRIBLE!"

_FAILURE!_

"Clearly not enough panic. At this point, I would suggest looking up the scariest crap ever. Just search the term 'Mayan Calender' if you don't live in a time past 2012."

"Being a flame alchemist myself, I am nearly a master of fire. But if I snap my fingers by accident, things go south very fast."

"Also, you may have heard the phrase 'Where there's smoke, theres fire.' But in reality, smoke is where fire used to be. It only indicates the absence of fire."

"So remember if you're in a fire, head directly for the smoke."

"Climb on the ceiling if you have to."

"Also, statistics show that almost all fires take place in building, but only a very small fraction happen in a vehicle."

"So if your home catches fire, just head to your garage and get in your car. Wait there for help."

The camera cuts to Gluttony running away from a fire, but stops to get in a car. "Ah... Now this is much cooler."

"Statistically you're far less likely to be injured."

"But exactly what happens if you can't get up above the fire and into the smoke? Or if you're unable to safely reach your vehicle? You're probably wondering, 'What happens if I catch on fire?' This is a dangerous situation."

"So, we've set up these dummies to show what happens when a person catches fire."

The camera shows a row of four dummies that all looked like Envy... Well actually, three dummies and the real Envy. "W-wait a second," Envy said. "I'm actually real!"

"Shut up, dummy!" Mustang yelled as he snapped his fingers, lighting the homunculus on fire. As Envy screamed and ran around, he passed some of the flames on to the other dummies.

"Fire is bad in high concentration so you're gonna want to get rid of it as quickly as possible. Try putting the flames out by spreading them to as many people and objects as possible."

Envy passes the car Gluttony is in, and lights the vehicle on fire. "Thanks!" Gluttony shouted. "Fire safety is about sharing."

"Just remember stop, drop, and roll. Stop next to your friends, drop them with a swift fire kick, and roll around on them."

"This will spread the heat across many sources, quickly eliminating it."

"Uh... Elric?" Roy said once he realized that they were quickly being surrounded by the fire Envy had spread out. "We might have a... Slight problem."

"I believe you're right, Colonel."

"Well, its time to practice what we preached, Fullmetal. Lets get to panicking."

"On it!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!"


End file.
